Wobbling to the Sun

We're wobbling towards the Sun. Well, actually, the Earth is wobbling and we're just on for the ride, wobbling to our own personal suns. It's that perpetual wobbling of the rock we live on that makes the seasons flow from year to year to year. And make no mistake, we are a part of that eternal, sometimes infernal, process. There was a time, not so long ago in the history of humanity, that we did not understand the earth's rotation, from west to east or the way that it moves back and forth, from north to south. So we created gods and goddesses, titans and sprites, all sorts of divine and unsee-able beings upon whose shoulders rested the responsibility for shorter days and longer nights, colder seasons and warmer times. Now we know that the planet is on a predictable and regular path, it's motion is never-ending and that is why on January 13th, a Friday, I can say with confidence, "Today is lighter than yesterday and spring is waiting to be sprung." I look at the crab apple tree in front of the house, bare and gnarly, a stark reminder that we are, in fact, in the winter time. However! Those dead-appearing limbs and branches are loaded with the life that will, in no short time, burst forth into visions of pink flowers - not only on this tree, but on the tree in the backyard and on the trees in virtually every yard on the street. All over the city, there are thousands of crab apple trees, dreaming of their springtime, our springtime, the springtime that always comes. That's the promise, that's the security of nature. It works towards creation and growth and even when it appears to be in opposition, it is merely the natural way and rhythm. It is the Dao, it is the Universe, it is Allah, it is God. We can learn to accept that which is natural outside the front door and, more importantly, we can and must learn to accept that which is natural within us, even our internal, emotional, intellectual and psychological winters. They are hard. Hard as hell. They suck. Big time. Sigh. How sad that we human beings, so tender and beautiful, must endure dark nights and chilly days. It should work better but it doesn't and that's the way it plays. Try to remember that when the earth wobbles, that wobbling keeps the entire system in sync. The climates, the rainfalls, the winds and all of the weather, depend on the wobble. So too with our wobbling back and forth, from despair to giddiness and all the seasons in between. Understand the Earth and understand yourself. When the understanding comes, then you can work the earth and work your self. The crops you reap will be heavy in yield and the gardens you create will be always full of the light and happiness within you.

Practical  Tip - Start thinking. Think about what you have in your space and dream about what you want. The growing season is coming and if you know what you want to do and research how to do it, you can optimize the time you have. This way, you will have confidence and control, mistakes can be minimized and opportunities can be maximized. Think ahead and get ready.

Winter Comes To The Garden

I was born in the winter and expect to die in the same season. Sometimes, always, it's wisest to accept the chill and let winter come. The wonderful thing about the garden is that it is an art form that has no permanence. We have remainders of Egyptian, Roman and Medieval civilization in the monuments and stone works that survived the ages, but we have no gardens left from those peoples. There is something to be said for artwork that is ephemeral, that exists in a moment, then is gone forever, a memory only to those who experienced it in it's time. When those people leave the earth, their memories vanish, too, and what was no longer will be. Such is the life of most of us. Our experiences and memories will cease to exist and we will vanish like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon. I embrace that concept. As a person who wanted all my life to achieve some kind of memorable success, something to leave behind so that I will not be forgotten, it is an important step for me to realize that I am an ephemeral garden and my existence will be forgotten and lost to eternity. Going to the ER when the pulmonary embolism hit my lungs was a mistake. I had a chance to blow away and failed to take it. After coming home from the hospital, I had a few, brief moments in which I was able to comprehend what could have happened, had I allowed nature to take its course, but I never felt a sense of gratitude for being alive. What has happened since is simply a confirmation that sometimes life should end and we should never stand in the path of the inevitable. The Grim Reaper came knocking and I shut the door. Now the door is open and an invitation has been sent, asking him to return as soon as he can. Winter comes. Accept it and be joyous in the release and the withdrawal from existence. There is nothing to be afraid of.

The Garden In My Lungs

I could be dead today - I could be an empty space. One week ago I had a spontaneous acute pulmonary embolism. Blood clots in my lungs. Thinking I could ride out the event, not knowing what was happening inside my body, I wanted to just sleep and get better. Had I still been in California, I would have died alone in my apartment. Destiny had other plans and placed me in my Mother's home when it happened. She made me go to ER. She saved my life. I'm home now and faring well. 11/11/11 is a birthday now.  At no point in the entire time in the hospital did I fall to fear. I just enjoyed what was there in the present, no matter the environment or the diagnosis. I was blessed to be in the hospital in which I was born, in which my father and grandmother and sister had lain in wait for the Grim Reaper. But I didn't see him there. Good thing, because my favorite Halloween costume is the Glam Reaper and I would have had to tell him to glitz it up a bit. I was blessed to be in the embrace of kindness from so many nurses, aides, doctors, technicians, administrators and others, whose names I wish I had written down so that I could remember them better. I floated on clouds of tender loving care through a perilous valley. I am alive. I could not be alive. Something invaded my garden, like a medieval dragon, blackening flowers and incinerating virgins. It came out of nowhere and has no certain justification. It was, clinically, an Unprovoked Bi-Lateral Pulmonary Embolism. Unprovoked. Honest, I never saw those blood clots before in my life. I don't even know their names. I got lung bashed by a bunch of thugs. So where's the lesson? Where's the learning? The wisdom pearls that hang in strands around my neck? I'm not quite sure yet - the sensation is different, the experience is yet to be entered into the register and the outcome is yet to be realized. Sometimes you just have to sit down and take a breath, take it in, take the time and take the life. That's all there is.

Practical Tip - Listen to your Mother.

Failure

In the garden, there is no such thing as failure. Yes, plants die. Sometimes it's a matter of planting something in the wrong place, where the sun is too bright or too dark. Sometimes it's placement in relationship to other species that may have invasive root systems or different water consumption patterns. Sometimes, it's just genetic - out of a six-pack of seedlings, one may just be inherently weaker than the rest. Whatever the cause, we must never encounter the loss as a sign of failure. It is simply an event that was unexpected, un-hoped for and unwanted. Such is life. We must look at the garden as a whole process and not at the individual events that occur in it. In other words, see the forest, not the trees. Easily said but harder to follow. We are taught from infancy on, to judge and categorize our experiences. This has a dual outcome - yes, judgement helps us clarify and distinguish and apply values and we do need to separate out that which is positive and that which is negative. We learn from this process and from learning we grow and acquire wisdom. Without wisdom we are doomed to constant repetition and "failure". However, in that process of valuation, the other outcome can be oppressive and never-ending judgement, a form of judgement that teaches us that we are losers and not worthy of the abundance that lies within our souls. The garden does not have a place for losers. It is a place of regenerating abundance and instruction as to the truth of life, that none of us fail, we are all on a processional experience of growth. Our modern American society is challenging to the wisdoms of the ages, because our media is constantly streaming images of success and failure. The lives of celebrities are dissected and obliterated as mere fodder for 24 hour news cycles. The longevity of human experience is never examined and instead, we get sound clips and photo-ops, all of which are designed to fill air time, so that advertisers can sell their products and the networks can make a profit. We succumb to these visions of success and failure and turn that vision upon our own lives. No wonder we become depressed and ambivalent, instead of joyous and passionate about our endeavors. When I first got my AIDS and cancer diagnoses, I had no health insurance and there were no anti-retrovirals. My first treatment was 6 months of radiation. It worked at first, then the cancer re-appeared. I then got myself into an experimental laser treatment in Denver. It was painful and never worked. Then I found another drug trial in Los Angeles and tried it out. No success there. Then I tried chemo and it helped a  great deal. Then the first anti-retrovirals appeared and some were good and others were terrible. Through the whole process, which spanned several years. I never saw failure, just unexpected results that led me to another stab at a different solution. And 15 years later, here I am, trying to make another leap in life. So when your garden isn't going quite the way you want it to go, learn the lesson if there is one and try again. Forget about judgement and embrace the joy of the challenge. It's the only way to become a master of the garden and of your life.

Between Two Bridges

I was over at Adams Park today, a "pocket park" just two blocks from home. It is one of several parks that the City of Casper established along Garden Creek, which runs from the mountain to the North Platte River. We played here constantly as kids and today I was there for chanting and reading. Also, some wondering and dreaming. It's a tough weekend, in that I made a small step towards a big move on Friday afternoon and am waiting to hear the results. Waiting, waiting, waiting. One of the hardest things I have ever done in life is waiting to see what will happen. Given my impatient nature, I have often tripped myself up during the excruciating period of time in which an effort has been made and time seems to expand beyond my comprehension. In the past, this is the time in which my faith has collapsed and my self-confidence has imploded. It is so easy to be faithful when one is busy and the mind is fully engaged in the here-and-now. Idle minds are, indeed, the devil's workshop, for those of us who tend to wander towards the shadows when we should be relaxing and enjoying the space between bridges. The garden teaches us a valuable lesson in respect to this. Plant a seed in the ground. Water it. Feed it. Then sit there and look at the place under which we know the seed exists. I can sit there for hours, days, weeks, fretting over whether or not a sliver of green will emerge from the soil. This is where trust and faith in the unknown must take place. We humans are capable of everything, yet not responsible for everything that happens. At some point in time, we all need to step back, after having invested our blood, sweat and manure into our work. Step back, take pride in the fact that we have planted something and recognize that the act of planting is an act to take pride in. Then step away and let nature take it's course. In all likely-hood, the seed will sprout, if we have paid attention to the soil condition, the position of the sun and any other details that will produce growth. Fretting over that which we cannot control is a habit and a bad habit at best. It is a habit that must be encountered, recognized and dealt with, for if it continues without abatement, it will ruin the enjoyment of life. Let your garden grow. have faith in your work, have faith in nature and let it be. For me, I will do my best to relax my mind, revel in my talent and creative nature and look forward to the future, without collapsing under the weight of anticipation. It's a challenge, but better to be challenged by expectation than to be challenged by nothing at all. I've stepped out of my boundaries, I've planted the seed and now I can rest, waiting for my harvest.

Practical Tip - Save those seeds! It's autumn now and a lot of the annuals have gone to seed. Don't pull the plants out and throw them away. Shake those seed heads, pull the seeds out, do what you have to according to the plant and drop the seeds into an envelope, write the plant name on it, seal it and put it into the fridge. Come next spring, use those seeds instead of buying new packs. Not only will you save money, but you will get enormous satisfaction knowing that the "dead" annuals from last summer are living again in the plants of next summer!

The Great Death Robbery

Well, here's a thought - I watched "Man On A Wire" last night, the story of Philippe Petit's high-wire walk between the two World Trade Center towers in 1974. At one point, he describes his passion as a way of robbing Death. It struck a chord in me and here is that chord - not all of us are like Petit, in fact, none of us are. Thank God. While his feat was marvelous and admirable, he could also be described as obsessive and a bit self-absorbed, but then, to walk on a wire 1,000 feet above the earth requires self-absorption. But we have something in common with him, if we look deep inside. We can all be robbers of Death. We can all deny the Grim Reaper his right to take away life and joy and peace of mind. In any way we can, let's do it. When you wake up in the morning, make it a defiance of death. Instead of fearing the day, take a moment to ask this question - "What will this day bring?" See the morning light. Listen to the morning birds, one of my favorite sounds in life. Get out of bed, acknowledge you might be feeling a bit grumpy, but who isn't when we first wake up? I have two parakeets and even they take a while to get happy in the morning. Then, instead of turning on the television or the laptop, get your cup of coffee, if you are into caffeine like I am and go out into the garden. Be still and look and listen. Notice the light reflecting through the leaves of the plants. It really is amazing how bright that light can be. I am on the patio in my Mother's back yard right now and there is a big container of marigolds bathing in the sunlight - from yellow to orange in a sea of green, the light is blazing. This is life. This is the robbery of Death. Absorb it and be an accomplice, be a conspirator. Conspire with your garden to steal from Death it's measly power. If a plant dies, uproot it, turn it into mulch, bury it into the earth and use it to give life to another plant. Learn that though there is decay, there is never Death, it is an illusion. Rob it of its power and take pride in your own power. Then be like Robin Hood and give some of the loot to the poor. Smile, laugh and show the world our bounty.

Practical Tip - I am a bit of a nut when it comes to removing dead leaves from my garden or even from containers. Some may call me lazy and yes, I am, in certain ways. However, I allow some leaves to remain on the soil, decaying and releasing their nutrients to the living plants around them. When I see perfectly clean planting beds, I see a potentially sterile environment. When you see "dead" leaves around a plant, don't see it as imperfection, but rather a process in which life is regenerating itself naturally. Plus, when we keep raking up leaves and putting them in the green recycle bins that must be picked up by petroleum burning vehicles to be transported to recycling centers, we are just adding to the consumption of energy and adding to global warming.

Stabilization

Well, one of my practical tips regarding stabilizing slopes is now leading to a metaphor about stabilizing life. So sit back while I ramble - there is a televangelist named Joyce Meyers and I like her. I don't like many of her ilk, but despite the fact that I once heard her ranting about the homosexuals, I like her. She blends common sense psychological support with scripture and has been through the ringer herself. Any way, the other night, I caught a few minutes of her sermon on Stability - she basically said that no matter how much Ability we may have, without Stability, we can't achieve our dreams. That she had been blessed by God, who had brought her to a place of Stability, so that she could finally live the dream. It was here that Divine Truth was revealed to me - my escape from Palm Springs was not a loss or a retreat, but rather, a blessing. I have been brought, by Divine Will and by my own will, to the most stable place I know, the home I grew up in. As I write this, I am in my new office in the basement, the room that we all had when we were teenagers, the room with the most privacy and quiet. I look out the narrow window and see the plants from ground level and the sky above. I once thought that it felt like standing in my grave, at a bleaker time of life, but now I see that I am standing on my planting bed. From here I will live my dream. So when you are in turmoil, find your planting bed. Find a specific place that you can rely on. A place that does not change, so that your thoughts and soul and feelings can settle into the ground, rest and root. Without that, you can plant all the seeds you want, but they will be disturbed and displaced by floods and winds and tremors and instability. Stabilize, Stabilize, Stabilize. Ask for it, seek it, demand it, pray for it. In Stability and quietness, the word will come and you will know it when you hear it. Then follow your intuition, the voice of God within you and pop above the surface of the ground, grow, leaf, germinate and flower the world.

Practical Tip - When it comes to stabilizing newly planted trees, it is best after a period of time, to remove any stakes or lines that have kept the tree in position. The tree must learn to stabilize itself and will do so if it is allowed to be free.